Kung Fu Kitten

Funny how things turn out.
I've been trying to find myself ever since I could remember.
For equally long I've been trying to recreate who I am.
Goals and aspirations would change, as would the paths in life that I would travel down.
Obstacles have come and passed, and new ones arise with each new day.
I can still feel completely lost even though I know (for now at least) where I want to go.
Life is such a crazy journey, but maybe I say that because I have pushed myself to take those little detours and let myself end up where I never thought I would travel.
I've changed so much with each new moon.
I like to think I've retained the values that I hold close to my most basic essence.
I've endured disappointment, but who hasn't?
There are daily tests of my character, but what character am I today?
Self growth has been monitored, but with the steps forward I take there are just some aspects of my personality that refuse to come along for the ride.
I fall prey to my own vanity, fishing for compliments because I want to be recognized for my achievements.
I don't want to go into the dusk of my life without being seen, heard, or felt.
I fear not making my mark in the world.
I fear that I will not be remembered after I pass.
I'm so insecure, I can admit that and it's a fact of life that I'm trying to cope with.
I feel awkward around new people, big crowds make me nervous and anxious.
I can feel the eyes of strangers scrutinize my every move and my appearance, I hear faint whispers of the gossip that involves me.
It doesn't matter if it's real or imagined, the end result is the same.
I want to crawl out of my own skin to run and hide in the shadows of more alluring personalities.
I'm scared that I'm not interesting enough, pretty enough, or talented enough to make it in this materialistic, superficial, and plastic environment that is SoCal well maybe those adjectives can apply to the United States as a whole.
The conscious decision to become part of the beauty industry was made solely and utterly on my narcissistic need to feel good about myself.
I got into this industry so that I could make MYSELF happy by making others feel excited about the way they look.
It may not sound like a selfish endeavor to undertake.
But isn't it human nature to make decisions that will benefit them first and others who benefit are just a by product of self gratification?

I've said it before about myself, I think I'm really good at faking it.
I honestly believe that's only possible because of my past and the events that have encouraged me to grow and be molded into the person that I am today.
I can smile and let the world believe that I'm composed.
I keep an ear open to the conversations around me.
I carefully people watch to try and understand interpersonal relationships.
I can honestly say that I don't have very many "friends", I consider them more acquaintances.
I think that the more friends one accrues, the more drama and baggage comes with them.
For the sake of self preservation I refuse to be pulled into the drama, I have enough of my own thank you very much.
I do think that everyone person who comes into your life will serve a purpose.
There's always much to be learned from the people who bless your life or darken your doorways.
Even the people who leave a little footmark in the book of your life can offer a great deal in the chapter they made a cameo.

It's such a task for me to stay positive about life, and stay hopeful for where I can take myself on this weird trip.
There have been countless times where I just wanted to say, "Fuck it all" and let that end right then and there.
But then again I have to give myself some credit for being able to come out of the past and move forward through the tough times.
I think I'm pretty self aware and able to relate to a lot of people.
I like to think that I have charisma and that I'm charming without being fake.
Wouldn't that be a bitch if I was wrong?
Who knows anymore?
I'm still just trying to go along for the ride.
Let's just see where this next wave will take me.

Behind my left eye I can feel the pounding pain
Another migrane
My head throbs and there's a racket in my brain
Another migrane
Laying in bed, I realize that it's not just a simple headache
It's my heart, telling my head, that I have problems to mend
I'm an insecure little girl who seeks her parents approval
Even more, I'm seeking unconditional love

Mother, why can't you pretend that you like me?
Father, why aren't my aspirations for happiness enough?
Mother, why do you neglect my emotional needs?
Father, why am I inadequate?

Stressed out, stressed out, I'm so stressed
Stressing myself to please others
The only one I should stress to please is myself
I know better, so I say
Day in, day out...so stressed out
I'm losing sight of those who support me unconditionally
I'm losing sight of those who love me unconditionally
For the approval of the two who affect me the most

Mother, Father, do I give you nothing to be proud of?
Mother, Father, are my actions disappointing?
Mother, Father, why don't you speak to me directly?
Mother, Father, how can I do better?

I should not seek to only please you
I should not try so hard to make you happy for your sake
I have my own life to live
My happiness is in my control
So I would like to believe
I can't get past the words you say, or the looks of contempt
I'm a victim of hearsay
The siblings hear about issues you have with me, before I do
You don't even bother to say more than two words to me
I hear it all from the brothers or the sister
Then you turn around and complain to me
Not about me, but about the other three

Mother, you make me angry just by being in your presence
Mother, I can't forgive how you neglected me
Father, you make me feel as if I'm never enough
Father, I can't be what you want me to be

But still, I feel a pain behind my left eye
Another migrane
The pain, the pain, the pain
It's more than just a throbbing in my brain
It's my heart telling my mind that I have problems to mend
I know that I can't depend on you to help me through
I know that I'm an insecure little girl
I must get through with or without you
I just wish you knew how much you can hurt me

Mother, Father, I still love you so

If I can be a candle
That makes a corner bright
I will not ask to be the moon
That brightens the night
I just might be one flower
And not a mighty tree
But even one, small blossom
Can be beautiful to see
So if there's just on someone
Whom I can help to bless
I'll be content with the little ways
Of spreading happiness.

The sweetest things in life
Are simple and small
Just to hear a bird sing
Is the sweetest of all.

The precious thing in life
Aren't always expensive
It is precious enough
For a person to give.

The wonderful things in life
Aren't paid for with money
Wonderful is being
With friends and family.

The best thing in life
Are for all to see
It is best to find
A way to be content and happy.

I love you for that certain smile that cheers me when I'm blue.
I love you for that tender kiss that warms me through and through.
I love you for your gentle hand and your understanding touch.
Your eyes that seem to say, "I love you very much".
I love you for your faith in me and your patient ways.
For the many sweet things you do, often without praise.
I love you for all these things, and many others too.
But most of all, for what I am whenever I'm with you.

Sleep does not come as I allow my eyes to shut.
There are too many thoughts cycling through my mind.
I'm haunted by ghoulish nightmares and memories.
Worries creep from the trenches I tried to place them.
My heart aches for family and friends I long to aid.
Secrets ring in my ears and echo through my skull.
As I lay still my head spins while my stomach sinks.
With eyes closed, past images replay against my lids.
Regrets are revisited, horrors and shame are relived.
Forever exists between minutes, eternity between hours.

Sleep does not come as I allow my eyes to shut.
Hot tears lay tracks along the curves of my face.
Above my head, guilt hovers just like a dark cloud.
Repressed feelings break free of their emotional bonds.
Exhausted, my body feels sore from head to toe.
Whispers, insults, arguments, all compete to be heard.
Overwhelmed, my throat tightens as I lay trembling.
Vision blurs, I reach for my glasses but still no focus.
Too ashamed to call out for help, darkness envelopes me.
Forever exists between minutes, eternity between hours.

Sleep does not come in the darkness.
Sleep does not come as the sun rises.
Sleepless.

You saw me physically weakened, but that did not make me half of a woman.
I now have one fallopian tube and ovary, but that does not make me half of a woman.
The pains I experience in trying to recover do not make me half of a woman.
Your pity filled stare is not going to make me feel like half of a woman.

If I let myself stay weakened and felt sorry for myself, I would be half of a woman.
Not being able to keep my head up and hopeful for my future would make me half of a woman.
Letting the pain keep my spirits down would make me half of a woman.
Falling for your pitiful stare and giving up would make me half of a woman.

Survival has made me stronger, which in turn makes me more of a woman.
My children will grow up knowing what I've been through, seeing me as more of a woman.
The pains will be overcome with time and I will recover as more of a woman.
Your eyes will see that your pity was misplaced, because I choose to be more of a woman.

I'm not aware of what goes on just out of sight
I'm too easily distracted
Too caught up in worrying whether what I choose is right
How should I have reacted

Haven't you been here before
Haven't you seen this before
Why would you come back for more

But I can tear myself into tiny peices
I can twist myself down into the creases
I can tell myself that it will make a difference
But it's still going to break
Still going to break

Hypnotized like a moth to a flame I fly
And burn my wings to ash
Tell me why if the bait is always the same
How do I fall into this trap

Haven't you been here before
Haven't you seen this before
Why would you come back for more

I can tear myself into tiny peices
I can twist myself down into the creases
I can tell myself that it will make a difference
But it's still going to break
Still going to break
I'm still going to break

I can process what others say

But my thoughts don't come out clear

I'm all garbled and weird and dying

Not all there or here or anywhere really

Petrified, she dared not let one tiny squeak escape her lips.

His clammy hand was wrapped around her throat, telling her resistance was useless.

He was preparing to do it again. Violate a trust, destroy a young girl.

Silently, she let the tears burn her face as they fell, the icy grip tightened around her.

His other hand squeezed her inner right thigh, slowly making its journey further up her dress.

Excavated. The girl started to gag, but the probing continued and he began to crush her throat.

Her eyes widened in terror as she heard him unzip his trousers.

Futility. She resisted, but she was too tiny to fight his overpowering presence.

Soon, the anguish around her neck echoed with the anguish of penetration.

She bled furiously as he relentlessly thrusted with violence, overcome with primal lust.

At long last, relief came only as the young girl lost consciousness in a sea of black.

Awakened by the sound of running water, she saw the midday sun moved into twilight.

Her loins throbbed with excruciating pain. Mind hazy, but clearly she saw panic in his eyes.

Shock had set in, she couldn't speak, walk, let alone stand.

Tenderly, he took her in his arms and whisked her down to three flights of steps.

Fear was sinking in his bones, guilt was hovering above his head, she trembled against his chest.

She slipped in and out of darkness, only catching glimpses of her surroundings.

They traveled from the stairwell, to the bus stop, into a clinic, and back to his apartment.

Overwhelmed, she slept for two days. Awoke again, and her head was spinning.

Carefully, she stood up. She ached as she took little steps alongside the bed.

She sat down again, feeling drained. Her six year old mind tried to grasp the events passed.

Realization sunk in.

Asphyxiated in shame.

Panic-stricken she sat and sobbed.

Enraged she balled her tiny fists.

Disturbed, defeated, she feels lost.

looking for kindness
i found your smile
looking for comfort
i found your embrace
looking for understanding
i found it in your eyes
in you i see
what it means to feel
perfect harmony
my mind is at peace
my heart is at rest
for it is you that i've found
to be the best
so take this ring
as a token of our sacred love
for i have been blessed
by the Almighty above
with you beside me
i no longer run
us joining in spirit
together as one...

Friendship is a funny word
People have different definitions for friendship
Some have a plethora of friends
Some have a handful of true friends
I thought we were true friends
When I need you, how can you walk away from me?
Tell me, how does it feel to turn the knife inside of me?
You say this, you say that, but words mean nothing
Soy como una roca, palabras no me tocan
Your actions say you want nothing to do with me
I"m tired of waiting, hoping & crying
Te llore todo un rio, ahora llorame un mar
I'm tired of feeling sorrowful, tired of the grief
Wondering if this sorrow and grief will ever let me go?
El dolor se me sigue consumiendo, pero todavia sigo asi con dolor
I know that everything must come to an end
I realize that nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
All my hopes have been dashed, all my wishes crumbled,
All my dreams have fallen down...
Hoping that someone comes around soon...
Somebody save me...i don't care how you do it...just save me....

Save me from myself....


LX 02/03/04